Opening Night
You’ve come up with an hilarious pun to
call the night (Mirth Defect!), you’ve paid someone to design a logo, the venue
are excited and the room looks fantastic. Despite the nerves during the day you
tell yourself it’s only a trial night anyway, so if it’s not busy it’s not the
end of the world.
As showtime comes along the place is
heaving, all the acts go down a storm and tell you, ‘hey, you’re onto a winner
here, mate!’ There’s a couple of minor
improvements you need to make but the space works and the bar manager is
beaming as he slaps you on the back and tells you well done. As the thrilled
audience pile out into the street they all congratulate you and tell you
they’ll be back next time, ‘and my mate Billy, he’d love this, I’ll bring the
lads down and my sister and her fella too.’
You float home on a wave of adrenalin and can’t get to sleep.
Second Night
It’s not as busy early on but probably
everyone knows the score by now. The clock ticks on and a few people file in
but that group of 12 that were at the first one can’t make it now, they got
their dates mixed up. It’s okay, prob not their fault as it’s too early for
everyone to have the date stuck in their heads. Still, the room fills up slowly
as you tell the acts how great the first night was.
The show is pretty good and the audience
and bar manager are happy. You drive home with a head full of marketing ideas
and can’t get to sleep.
Third Night
Ticket sales aren’t looking good so you ask
some mates and acquaintances if they want a few freebies. Better to have the
room full even if you’re losing money, right? Though don’t wanna use Groupon,
that’s the death of comedy you reckon. Although can’t do any harm knowing how
it works, just in case?
You open the doors and after 20 minutes
there’s only 7 people in the room and 5 of them were comps. That group of 6 you
used to work with haven’t turned up to use their free tickets either. Pricks. 5 minutes before showtime you manage to
convince 3 stragglers from the bar to come up for free. They really enjoy the
show and talk loudly throughout.
You tell the acts how good the first night
was, get the bus home feeling dejected and can’t get to sleep.
Fourth Night
You panic and realise that you have no
social media presence so you hastily set up a Facebook and Twitter account and
start following all and sundry. This results in zero increase in ticket sales
but a 300% increase in open spots asking you for gigs.
You put some RESERVED signs on the seats at
the back to push the audience forward which frankly, looks ridiculous as
there’s no bastard here. Even the tumbleweeds have swerved tonight in favour of
something less awkward.
A couple turn up fully intending to pay to
come in but see how empty the room is and make a run for it while you’re trying
to show them to their seat.
The bar manager pulls you to one side and
says listen, don’t worry about tonight, they’re completely behind this for the
long term and they understand these things take a while to get going.
You tell the acts how good the first night
was as they look at you like some kind of idiot. You walk home feeling empty
and pathetic and worrying about all the money you’ve lost.
You
can’t sleep.
Fifth Night
You arrive at the venue to find a salsa
night in full swing in the room. To really rub it in your face the place is
fucking packed. The bar manager shrugs his shoulders at you and the dream is
over.
You cancel the acts and tell them how good
the first night was. You walk home, laughing at the new posters you’d put up
that day.
You sleep like a baby.
Follow me on twitter: @samaverycomedy
