5 Ways To Dump Someone

1.Try To Make Them Do It.

You need to get creative with this one.  No point just taking up smoking or biting your nails like Chandler Bing.  You MUST commit to behaviour that forces their hand.  Try bringing in dead garden birds as a present for them, or spitting on their food to ‘help the masturcation process.’

But remember you only want to stop them liking you, not get sectioned, so think twice before you do anything too weird and off-putting like shitting in the fridge or wearing Lynx. 

2.It’s Not You It’s Me

“I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, and you know, that long weekend in Grimsby to meet your parents was a real delight.  But I’m at a place in my life where I’m happy with myself, and I think it would be unfair to lead you on as you're an amazing human being and you deserve someone’s full affections.”

Translation:  “I REALLY NEED YOU TO FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW, JUST PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT, OKAY?”

 

3.Send Them A Quick Text

Texting someone to split up with them is certainly a cowardly way to do it (especially if they’re in the same house and / or room) but it’s undoubtedly effective.  Not only are you able to get your message across in a concise and easy to digest format, but the lucky recipient will have such a low opinion of you following this that they will probably realise that staying with you would be a mistake of Eldorado-proportions.

NOTE: Be sure to check your tariff first as it may be cheaper to simply drop them a quick email.

4.Wait For Them To Die

A more common game plan than you realise, this requires a lot of patience but is often the most rewarding as you’ll get to keep the house. 

Be aware, there’s a high probability that they’ll be using the same tactic with you.  Good luck!

 

 

5.Ignore Them

If you don’t have the guts for any of the above, just disappear off the grid completely.  Get a new identity.  Change your face, get kidnapped.   

Just make sure if you go to the effort of falling down a Chilean mine that you don’t become worldwide celebrities following your release as that will be certain to throw a bollock in the works.

Of course, you could just be honest with them.  But who wants to do that?

 

 

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