1.Lads Who Get Drunk and Get Their Todgers Out
You know the lad.
He’s sound, normally. At least
when sober. Polite, respectful, your
mother used to love having him round for tea every Tuesday after swimming when
you were in school. But tonight he’s had
a pint and he’s swiftly morphing into one of the most annoying whoppers since
post-war records began.
You need to get him in a taxi or at least get him away from
that chap with the prosthetic leg before he asks to borrow it to play a prank
on someone.But what’s this? Oh shit. Jagerbombs. Which irresponsible fuckwit bought them?
He necks two, screams ‘FREEEEEEEDOM!’ and then as quickly as a Mogwai goes all Gremlin on you, starts to undo his kecks. Before you know it, his pants are round his ankles and his tackle is out for all to admire.
Except it’s freezing cold and he’s hardly Dirk Diggler, so admire is probably the wrong word. Pity is probably closer, although not as much as you pity the poor couple on the table in front of him, desperately still trying to enjoy their packet of Cheesy Moments.
This is a situation in which there are no winners.
2.Goths
I’m not having a pop here, everyone has the right to dress
and act as they wish, so long as they’re not infringing on anyone else, I just
cannot fathom the gothic lifestyle.
For a start, they must sweat like bastards. All that leather, hair lacquer and face make
up. And let’s be honest here, very few
of them look like the athletic sort.
(Hopefully in 2014 we’ll see the first openly-Goth footballer.)If I was a Goth I think I’d only adhere to it during the winter, otherwise I’d have runny make up all down my face, like I’d been water-boarded in an egg-white omelette.
The second thing is, it must be a nightmare getting ready for bed with all those straps and belts. Even worse if you were in the throws of passion with a fellow Goth, as surely the mood would dissipate when you couldn’t get your boots off.
“Just pull it Sheila! No, put your finger in for leverage, that’s it! No? They’re still too tight. Ah, fuck it, let’s just go and hang round outside Quiggans.”
I had a fight with a Goth once. I tickled him, he smiled and I was declared the winner.
3.Sword Swallowers
How is this even a thing?
It’s vaguely impressive to watch when you’re a kid and you go to some
scabby two-bit circus, but how the frig do you find out you’re good at this in
the first place? I remember once walking
along whilst enjoying a Solero when I banged into a lamp post, thus pushing
said Solero further down my gullet than I would have liked.My reaction was panic, swiftly followed by relief and then embarrassment.
Not, ‘Hmm, I wonder if this’ll pay the mortgage?’
4.Maths
Maths makes me feel like a special needs dog trying to follow a riddle in Welsh down a bad phone line.School was horrible. To this day I still think they got me confused with someone else - I was promoted into Set 1 even though I was struggling in Set 2. I spent the a year being bottom of the set by a country mile, similar to that season Derby County spent in the Premier League.
I did however use my maths schooling in a real life situation once. A load of scallies surrounded me at a bus stop and demanded my phone.
As they beat the living piss out of me I remember thinking to myself, 'What would Pythagorus do?' I reckon he would've cried for his mum too.
5.Music Streaming Sites
How is anyone making money from these? Obviously the sites will take our
subscription fees, then of course the labels take their cut, but what about the
artists who make the music? I spoke to a
fairly well known singer songwriter who told me she got the grand total of
£1.09 from Spotify last year. That’s not
enough to buy half a cup of decent coffee.The famous story is about Lady Gaga getting something like thirty quid streaming royalties for Poker Face, despite it having millions of listens. Or something like that, I haven’t really researched this bit to be honest.
Maybe there’s more money in sword swallowing?
Follow me on Twitter: @samaverycomedy
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