My 5 Worst First Dates

Everyone has been on at least one bad date.  I’ve been on plenty.  Here are my top 5.

1.Liar Liar Pants on Fire

This girl strolled into the bar with the following opening gambit:

HER: I need to tell you this – I lie all the time.

ME:  Okay.

HER:  Yeah, my last boyfriend and I split up because I couldn’t stop lying to him about everything.

ME:  Ah, right.

HER:  We loved each other but it just couldn’t carry on like that.

ME:  Hmm, okay.

HER:  Just thought you needed to know before we start.

ME:  Ah well, do you want a drink?

HER:  I’ll have a Smirnoff Ice please.

ME:  Is this a trick?

I doubted every single thing she said after that, so I decided to join in and start making stuff up.  By the end of the night I’d told her I was a stuntman, was forty-third in line to the Danish throne and worst of all, that yes, I’d love to see her again.

2.You Remind Me Of Someone

I’d got chatting to this girl on a night out with some mates.  She seemed lovely and we arranged to meet the following weekend.

As we got our first drinks in I remember looking at her and thinking she really reminded me of someone, but couldn’t immediately figure out who.  Kind of like when you see an actor out of context, it can drive you to madness (or Google, which I find is more user-friendly).

The night wore on, the drinks kept coming but still I couldn’t place her.  Who did she look like?

As we left the bar and walked into the night air, it suddenly hit me like a cricket bat to the face.

She looked like me.

I never saw her again, except when I looked in the mirror.

3.Guess Who?

There’s not many scarier propositions than waiting for someone you met the previous weekend but can’t remember what they look like because you were more legless than a snail who stood on a landmine.

Of course, when you met them on Saturday night they looked like a movie star.  But without the ale and disco lights it turns out that movie was The Hills Have Eyes.

Standing there waiting is like playing a roulette table.

Right, she had black hair and she was average height. I think. Oh here she comes now.  Wow! She’s lovely, well played me!

No, that’s not her. Oh god, is this her now? Is that a limp or is she just off balance? Christ, what have I done? Just run for it...too late, she’s spotted you. My word, she really is the spit of Phil Neville...

A mate of mine once spent the tail end of a Saturday evening chatting to a lovely tall, blonde lady. It was only when they met for a drink the following week that he noticed she only had one arm. (Maybe she lost it sometime between the Saturday and the Tuesday, in which case she was marvellously upbeat about the whole thing).

4.Why So Intense?

It’s a first date so I like to keep things light. Talk about trivial matters.  But that’s not for everyone.

One girl I was out with decided that the student union bar, 20 minutes into a first date was the perfect place to give me a blow by blow account of her grandmother’s horrific experience in a Polish refugee camp during WW2.  Whilst not disputing the importance of such events I did question this context to give it another airing.

It was made all the more sombre by the rugby team bashing out a Cheeky Girls medley on the karaoke, just as she got to the most gruesome bits.

5. Scored From The Rebound

I once went on a date with a girl who was undoubtedly very lovely, and undoubtedly not over her ex-boyfriend who had left her.

How could you tell this, Sam?  I hear you ask.

Because she told me as she was taking her coat off would be my answer.

She then spent the next hour going on about him and how she was going to show him exactly what he’d lost.  I started to sympathise with his decision.

Then she took me to a bar because she knew he’d be there.  The night ended with her trying to glass him, me holding her back, security escorting us from the building and her punching me in the ear.

I still see him now and again in town. We don’t speak or utter a sound, we just nod and move on, like old cellmates.

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