Why Topman Isn't Top Dog For Men in Their 30's

It was a mistake. It could happen to anyone.

I wandered into Topman looking for a pair of jeans. What greeted me was horrifying. Hordes of beautifully thin fancy boys wearing yellow skinny chinos, nautic loafers with more hairstyles between them than a Travelodge plughole. They were all staring at me. I was a pigeon amongst peacocks.

Not a wood pigeon either. One of those scabby city pigeons that have had their feet pecked off by their mates and despite not having facial features that lend themselves to communication, seem to be definitely saying KILL ME, PLEASE?

What was I doing here? As unwelcome as a veruca in The Sock Shop, I felt like Carrie post-pigs blood: confused, scared. And fat. Massively fat.

When I was a kid I used to feed the ducks on the canal but I’d always end up getting chased off by a gaggle of geese, hell-bent on making off with my breadcrumbs and dignity. This feeling was familiar but these geese were splendidly bedecked in split denim leather cardigans and three quarter length skinny cords.  I was dazzled by their beauty but knew I had to get out.

“They’re all gonna laugh at you!”

I started running past the jeans that you can’t get into unless you have a severe flesh eating disorder. I leaped over the ‘XL’ t-shirts that wouldn’t fit a Hobbit whose mother smoked through pregnancy.

I thought I’d found the exit but found myself staring down the ‘up’ escalator like Indiana Jones at the top of that waterfall.

I was surrounded by the real life mannequins (great name for a pub covers band) and in a state of panic. I was just about to start swinging a pair of tassled desert boots around my head when I noticed the focus swiftly changed to a different part of the store. As I peered around the stacks of bleach wash spray on jeans I noticed an older, larger gentleman had wandered into the shop.

My god, what was he wearing? Baggy cargo pants and a loose fitting Umbro sweater. And what’s that in his hand? In the middle of the shop, he’s only eating a fucking Greggs.  

What a schmuck. He didn’t belong here. We must punish him.

I joined the herd...

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